|
“Bring, bring!”
“Hello.”
“Good afternoon. Is that
Mr Gabay?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have a BT line?”
“Er, yes.”
“If I said I could save
at least thirty per cent off your phone charges
without you having to do anything, would that
be of interest?”
“Well, I am a little
busy right now and…”
…“this will only
take a few minutes and, as I said, could save
you a fortune.”
“That’s very kind
but I don’t want to change my telephone
line. I am a bit busy at the moment”
“Well Mr Gabeee…”
“G-A-B-A-Y – Gabay…”
“ If you sign up today,
you get a free piggy bank”…
“Mr Gabeee, are you still
there? Mr Gabeee...”
At least five times a day,
the phone rings in such tidings of commercial
banality, Usually the person at the other end
is some guy from a far away place offering me
a ‘wonderful opportunity’ to buy something
like:
Double-glazing
Cheaper phone calls
Credit cards
Loans…
Worst still is when I pick
up the phone and there is a two-second time
delay before the recorded voice of someone from
North America who sounds like he has taken one
Cialis tab too many booms out, “Hey there!
Congratulations! You have won £5,000 in
our prize draw!” (Sound of an orchestra
playing a fan fare [How they managed to get
an orchestra in to play a fan fare just for
me – the ‘lucky winner’, is anyone’s
guess]).
If only all the dodgy calls
were so easy to spot. Especially when the calls
come from well-known brand names:
“Mr Gobbaye?”
(Sigh) “Yes…”
“I am calling on behalf
of Abbey.”
“Oh. How can I help you?”
“Well, as a valued Abbey
customer I want to offer you an incredibly low-interest
credit card.”
“ So you are an Abbey
customer then?”
“No Mr Gaaaahbooo, you
are.”
“I’m sorry. You
said you were a valued Abbey customer, so you
wanted to offer me a credit card. Why would
you want to do such a thing? Do you have too
many of your own?”
“No. I only have one
credit card.”
“Oh yes. And who is that
with?”
“Well Mr Gobble, I am
not sure that is relevant to the conversation.”
“Why not?” YOU are
the one who called ME boasting that you were
a valued Abbey customer.”
“Look Mr Gabay…”
‘”You got my name
right!”
(Laughs) “You are a funny man Mr Gabay. I know we can
do business with you.”
“Why. Who told you? What
else did they tell you? Why did you ask them
about me? Is there something someone isn’t
telling me, but telling you?” Ok, I’m
flattered that people are talking about me but
why to you? Are you part of some kind of weird
cult that wants me for some ‘Abbey’?
This is nothing to do the Da Vinci Code is it?”
(Nervous silence, followed
by strained, false laughter) “ Well er,
um, anyway. Would you be interested in the card
or not?”
“Let me be Frank”
“Great. Please do”
“And who do you want
to be?”
“Pardon?”
“Well, if I am going
to be Frank … you are going to be...?”
“Look here Mr Gabay.
I am beginning to think you are wasting MY time
here.”
“I am wasting YOUR time?”
“Well, whilst Abbey values
your custom, I really think we need to be a
bit more serious and professional.”
“You are right. I am
being silly. I am really sorry. I understand
the seriousness of what you are saying. So you
want to be Frank?”
“Yes.”
“Fine. And who will I
be then?”
(Phone hangs up. I grin and
reward myself with a swig of coffee).
The name’s Bond
Hardly a month seems to pass
without the marketing industry falling to another
all-time ‘low’ method of pestering
consumers with ill-conceived methods of targeting.
Even political parties such as the SNP (Scottish
National Party) got in on the act last month.
In the SNP’s case, they pumped out automated
phone calls to hapless Scottish households.
The recordings featured Sir Sean Connery.
Connery began his 35-second
diatribe: "Hello there. This is Sean Connery.
"No, it's not a joke - unfortunately the
real joke is the Labour party."
Connery continued to declare
the SNP as "the most trustworthy political
party of them all" and implored people
to cast their vote in SNP’s direction.
Defending their tactics, SNP
leader Alex Salmond said, “We are a political
party engaged in an election not a commercial
marketing organisation.
"At the most basic
level, we are protected under Article 10 of
the European Convention on Human rights, on
freedom of speech."
Which is all very nice for
organisations, political or otherwise, wishing
to bombard the likes of me all day with poorly
targeted telephone campaigns. What about the
rights of ‘free from speech’ every
half an hour on the telephone?”
When I recently enquired about
registering my name with the telephone preference
service to be removed for unsolicited calls,
I was told that it could take up to six months
for the process to fully work itself through
the system. Even after that there was no guarantee
that it would work.
Answering the call
My thirteen-year-old son seems
to have a simple approach to the whole thing.
He suggests one of the following ‘snappy’
answers to unsolicited telephone canvassers:
1. “ Potatoes.”
2. “I’ll take one million.”
3. “ Sorry. I died last week.”
4. “I am afraid I don’t have a phone
so can’t answer anything.”
5. …”Honestly… You chose me!
.. I can’t believe it. At last my life
is fulfilled!”
If you can think of any others, please call me. My number
is +44 (0)20 7291 3320.
Jonathan Gabay is on the CIM’s
core Faculty. Be sure to check out his latest
book at www.gabaywords.com.
|
